Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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