He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Randomize
