I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
