How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
