Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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