He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
