I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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