Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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