Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
