you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
