i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
