He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Randomize
