I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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