My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
