Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
