Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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