I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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