So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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