My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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