I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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