I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
