So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
My butt remains clenched, sir.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
