I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
