there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
