Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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