yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
