haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
