Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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