My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
