Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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