Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
