The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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