I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
