shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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