There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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