I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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