Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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