"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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