Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
