Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
