he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
