She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
