i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
