i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
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