He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
