Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
