I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
