worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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