Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
