Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize