Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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