i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
