Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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