Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Swine flu is the new snow day.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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