After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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