Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
