woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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